New Year, and no beer?!

So, two weeks in. How are you all doing? All skinny, sober and speaking Swahili? No…? Shocker!

New year, new possibilities, new start. Blah blah blah. I, for one, can't be arsed. Every year we labour under the misconception that the New Year has the mystical properties required to transform our lives beyond recognition. I suppose our brains are so clogged with Christmas cake, cheese and chocolate that lard-induced hallucinations are not surprising really.

What is surprising is the timing of it all. Choosing, for example, to give up booze in January of all months is utterly ridiculous (and, ironically enough, is generally a declaration made whilst chugging New Year’s eve bubbles like they’re going out of fashion).

If we can veer into a little corporate twaddle momentarily (sorry, it’ll be over in a jiffy and you won’t feel a thing) let’s have a quick check if this is a SMART objective:

Specific – yes, in it’s stupidity

Measurable – only with tears of anguish

Achievable – not on your nelly

Realistic – see above

Timely – it’s January for feck’s sake!

January. The least popular kid in the playground, the Aunt that nobody likes, the traffic warden of the calendar year. Gyms are overflowing, pubs are deserted and people on diets are dull at best, frightening at worst (‘DON’T LET ME HAVE CHOCOLATE!’ they scream at you, a manic, stricken look in their hollow, joyless eyes). Why, oh why, would we choose to take away all the things that could help take the edge of the cold dark days?

The term is HAPPY New Year.
Don't take away the beer...

If you’re going to make a New Year’s resolution, and avoid unpleasant self-flagellation when it all goes to pot, keep it simple. The only resolution I have ever managed to keep was to floss every day. One small step for a small ginger, one giant leap in avoiding gingivitis. I have long since given up telling myself I will lose two stone in January, repairing my liver while I’m at it. It will never happen.

But if you’re made of sterner stuff than me and you’re sticking with the Swahili lessons, good on you. Here’s a useful little phrase to help you along…

I’d like a cold beer please: Tafadhali nataka bia pombe baridi.

Now doesn't that look lovely...?

TV to numb the mind and soul

Flicking around the TV in a '537 channels and there's nothing on' style, I began to notice that channel-hopping was entertainment in itself. Yes, as you may have guessed, I too am loving this delightful summer weather we’ve been having. Hard to believe my last weather chat involved the now oh-so-illusive concept of sunshine.

There really is no limit to what they'll make a programme about these days (Million Dollar Otters anyone?) I have previously cited the nation’s unsettling propensity to get their bits out on TV - but there's more!

I’ve always wondered about Four Weddings - why on earth would you want to invite three strangers along on your 'special day' with the sole intention of judging/bitching about it? I don’t get it, free honeymoon or no free honeymoon (and I LOVE holidays!) 

Now I see they've gone one further – go on Battle of the Brides and you get to share ‘the most important day of your life’ (according to the wedding circus mafia) with complete strangers, and their ‘crazy’ theme ideas, in a double wedding. Seriously? Yes they pay for your wedding and weddings are ludicrously expensive, but guess what? You don’t have to succumb to the multi-million pound industry. Move away from the bridal magazine and switch off the TV …preferably before Bridezillas or Bridalplasty. <shudder>

But be sure to switch the TV back on to peruse the truly delightful titles producers have come up with to draw attention in a crowded marketplace. I would love to have been a fly on the wall of the ‘brainstorming session’ (‘scuse the corporate twaddle there) that produced ‘Help! My house is falling down.’ Snappily done people, whoever you are. Perhaps the same creative geniuses (or genii, if you will) that came up with ‘Love Shaft’. Subtle.

My ultimate favourite though? Pawn Stars. Yes people – cash converters just got sexy. You heard it here first.

Come out from behind those clouds sunshine,
and save us from soul-destroying TV!

It's all corporate Greek to me

As I prepare to re-enter corporate land for the next few months I may need to get my brain back in the zone. I’ve managed to avoid brain melt (AKA daytime TV) as a freelancer/lady of leisure, but I am wondering if my grey matter is in for a shock when I have to do a ‘normal’ job again and (god help me) translate the business speak.

I anticipate next week will be awash with dove-tailing, leveraging and piggy-backing, and I wonder what new gems will have been created since I last rubbed shoulders with the suits. As I transition back into the office life I better take ownership of my core competencies and make sure my skillset is primed to on-board my key stakeholders and get their buy-in. Ouf! There I was thinking I was terrible at languages when apparently I speak fluent corporate twaddle.

Who needs plain English when you can touch base rather then meet, have dialogue rather than talk and operationalise rather than just feckin’ do it? Not to mention the Mystic Meg style future-proofing that goes on - impressive. Maybe talking gibberish and making up words means you’re less likely to get pushback from the gatekeepers (methinks a dungeons and dragons fan came up with that one…)

And then there are the TLAs. Which, my friends, are Three Letter Acronyms. Yes - an acronym for an acronym. I must prepare myself for cryptic sentences like; ‘I can give you an ETA if they fix my VPN within their SLA – should be by COP.’ Close of Play. One of my favourites …appears to suggest a day of fun? (maybe it's all the piggy-backing?)

There’s only one thing for it – make up some nonsense of my own. They do say If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, so I shall have to apply some blue-sky thinking and dream up a ridiculous addition to the office dictionary. Maybe I can multi-task and have a thought shower whilst I take a comfort break (or maybe not – taking a comfort break in the shower is most unsanitary). I will, of course, run it up the flagpole and socialise the idea first thought, god forbid I should re-invent the wheel!