I'm blind!

No, you mucky pups, not because of that (and it doesn't actually make you go blind, or there would be FAR more guide dogs around). I've been blinded by science. Or so the marketeers would like to believe. (Marketeers; like musketeers, but their weapon of choice is not the mighty sword, but magnificent swathes of bullshite).

I give you - bifidus actiregularis. Seriously?! 'Ooooh!' we all exclaim, 'that yogurt will have my bifidus digestivum all regularis in no time…' Or not. Because it is made up.

The beauty industry is even better. Our dedication to harnessing the secret weapon of the bold and the beautiful ('luminosity') knows no bounds, and the spin goes right down to the list of ingredients. The main ingredient in most shampoos, moisturisers, lotions and potions is 'aqua'. Also known as 'water'. They even highlight their bastardisation of chemistry in ads, with their oh-so-patronising 'here comes the science bit... Concentrate!' Makes me want to concentrate the attentions of my foot on their posteriors.

Doesn't stop me buying said lotions and potions of course, as my hundreds of Boots advantage card points will attest. I am a slave to product (I need all the help I can get to look vaguely presentable). But I do get tired of the tomfoolery.

I like a bit of honesty or, better still, a smidgen of humour. The marketing minds at Soap & Glory do a good job of sticking a tongue in the rouged cheek of the beauty industry and gently sticking two fingers up at ridiculous litigation gone mad, from their product titles ('Glow Job' …titter) to their disclaimers ('Soap & Glory formula's are not tested on animals, only very picky people.’) On 'The Breakfast Scrub' they proclaim; ‘We are legally obliged to tell you that THIS IS NOT FOOD.’

Let's face it; the beauty bods don't really need to try very hard to peddle their wares. There is a lot of competition, but they have a vast army of devotees, ready and willing, credit cards aloft, to buy and try the next 'amazing' 'miracle' solution to all their problems. For some, sadly, looking good is all that matters and there are no limits. Prime example: Botox. People are injecting poison into their faces. Actual, honest-to-god, poison. And to what end? A fixed expression, ever ready if a surprise party should be thrown at them, but sadly unable to show any other emotion; positive or negative. You might was well just hang a 'vacant' sign around your neck.

Because you're worth it.

Just look at those luscious locks...