'When are you
getting a baby?' my 6 year old niece asked recently. (I suspect
she may be in training to be a nosey b@$t@rd…) But she's a little
young to hear about the horrors of pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing, so
I used a trusty 'I don’t know' in response. If it was as easy as getting a
baby, from the shop, like you would a pint of milk or a nice new handbag, I
might consider it, but I know too much. FAR too much. Thank you friends, family
and far-too-intimate TV for sharing.
Don’t get me wrong.
It's not that I don’t like small and miniature people, they can be great fun
altogether when you know you can hand them back to their sleep-deprived parents
at the end of the afternoon and skip off to the pub.
Therein lies the
rub. I like children, but I like some other things more. These things include,
but are not exclusive to, sleep, the occasional 5 minutes of quiet and TV that
does not feature Barbie and/or Barney and/or 'bonkers' presenters (you know them - the 'I'm mad me!' types). And there are other things I do not need
to experience directly to know I would not like one little bit. These things
include, but are not exclusive to, cracked nipples, tearing (down there!) and projectile vomiting.
'But it's all worth
it!' they tell me, at the end of another story about getting covered in poo,
with a smile that doesn't extend to their hollow, exhausted eyes. I'm not
really sure if it's me they're trying to convince or themselves.
I know I risk sounding like a self-centred cow, but rest assured
it's not purely selfish reasons that keep me from boarding the broody express;
I am also thinking of the children. ('Will no-one think of the children?!' I
cry…) Sleep deprivation and copious amounts of hormones would not a loving,
nurturing ginger make.
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Me + hormones - sleep = THIS. |
A womb, an
egg and a few good swimmers may be all it takes to make a baby*, but it takes a
hell of a lot more to make a mother (as the girls on 16 and pregnant so ably
demonstrate).
*According to some of the nuns at my old
school simply sitting on a boys lap is enough to get you 'in the family way'.
Unless, of course, you place a telephone directory on said boy's lap first; if, for instance, you have to sit on his lap for a play or suchlike. Sound
contraceptive advice from the Catholic Church there. And there are more pearls
of wisdom where that came from... Ladies please take note - this is important - you
should exercise extreme caution when wearing patent shoes with a skirt. Boys
can and will see your knickers in the shine. You have been warned.
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Sage advice AND stylish head wear. Is there no end to their talents? |