Shame, shame …we appear to have forgotten your name.

Is it just me, or do people seem overly eager to get their bits out on national telly lately? From One Born Every Minute to Embarrassing Bodies, the opportunity to get extremely intimate with complete strangers abounds - generally while screaming in horror and trying, unsuccessfully, to tear your eyes away from the screen. Anything befitting the title ‘car-crash TV’ is likely to have media executives salivating, but what’s the incentive for the randoms who get involved with these programmes? 15 minutes of fame for their fanjita?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not known for my shy and retiring nature, quite the opposite, but I have my limits, and getting my ‘jardin du femme’ out on telly would certainly be one of them. Maybe it’s growing up in *ahem* holy catholic Ireland, but I just can’t fathom what would posses a person to think ‘my penis appears to be shrinking, I think I’ll go on TV…’ (that particular affliction was a ‘buried penis’ by the way – just so you know). On that note, I can see how Embarrassing Bodies does share important information and could prove invaluable for anyone watching who’s been ignoring ailments and hoping they’ll go away, but is altruism the motive for the people inviting the cameras in for a ring-side view of their rectal exam?

Given fresh (and no-so-fresh…) hoards may now be hot-footing it to the nearest doctor’s surgery, having seen a mirror image of their stricken bum on TV, maybe the government are trying to reduce NHS bills or prevent a population boom by scaring the bejesus out of anyone that might consider having a baby? There won’t be one born every minute for much longer if this continues. You can almost hear the sound of chastity belts clicking into place as women watch, wide-eyed and cross-legged, while grapefruit-sized heads are squeezed through sausage-sized holes (and that’s what got them in the trouble in the first place!)

It used to be that birth programmes were confined to the daytime, when the women most likely to be watching were already headed to the maternity ward and needed to see what was in store, now it’s prime-time and it leaves no stirrup (or stomach) unturned. And what really strikes me (once the initial horror has passed) is the midwives talking about the intimate moment a baby is born and how special it is for the parents. All the more baffling as to why they’d want a nation of strangers along for the ride.

Hiding my shame ...also know as a bikini.